Clever, what they’ve done here. iSensoric, it says. To give you the impression it has something to do with that cool Apple stuff, but not close enough to cause an army of American lawyers to descend on them. And extraKLASSE, it says, because since we British got over the war (this can be precisely dated to 1983*) shrewd marketing folk know that we like our engineering products to sound German.
We know it would be cheap and more environmentally friendly to hang out our washing the traditional way in the clammy English air, or to encourage mildew by hanging it indoors. What can I say? We’re addicted to luxury and convenience. So when our trusted and venerable Miele drier finally gave up the ghost, and was beyond salvation even by their crack in-house repair team, we browsed online for a replacement. Gulp. Were they always so expensive?
Miele cost way more than other reliable brands. Siemens would be fine, we were sure. Two nice men brought it in and fitted it.
This machine has 15 different “on” settings there: Under Easy Care there’s Cupboard Extra Dry, Cupboard Dry, Iron Dry, Shirts, Rapid 40, Down Wear (?), Lingerie. Under Cottons there’s Cupboard Extra Dry, Cupboard Dry, Iron Dry, Outdoor (?), Towels, Mixed Fabrics, Time Progr. Warm. Also, Wool in Basket. I hope you’re still with me. That’s just the beginning.
There are three separate “Drying Level” settings. You can set it to be “Ready In” 1 hour up to 24 hours. There are two additional “Less Ironing” settings making three in total. You can choose a Signal to alert you when it’s finished. Allow me to wield the sledgehammer of statistics to crack the nut of irritation. If I’m not mistaken, that gives you 15 x 3 x 24 x 3 x 2 = 6,480 options. Not far short of that other product of German genius, the Enigma Machine.
But never mind all that. There are really only three settings: Don’t bother, Whatever, and Just Do Your Damn Job. I recommend the last.
Because we put in our first load, set it on Mixed Fabrics, ignoring all the other bells and whistles, and keenly awaited our dry clothes. The “finished” beeper went. Damp. We began to wonder whether the cost saving had been worthwhile. Miele had never claimed to have finished when the job was only half done.
Nor had our Miele drier wound our duvet cover into an impossibly tight knot when it was still nowhere near dry. I blame insufficient changes in the direction of rotation. After five minutes trying to unravel it, which only made it tighter, I was on the verge of one of those incidents which end with neighbours saying things like “He mostly kept himself to himself” and “He always seemed so polite”. I was tempted to emulate Alexander the Great and take a sword to the damn thing.
Debbie pointed out that this would not be in the long term interest of our bed linen. Or short term. When I finally managed to unwind the knot, and put it back in to carry on drying, the machine promptly turned itself off, judging the damp duvet cover not soggy enough to bother with.
Nor will the blessed machine operate for more than a couple of minutes if it decides its drum doesn’t contain a full quorum. We hoard our damp washing for days in the hope that it will eventually do us the honour.
So we undertook a little online research. It turns out that Siemens were keen to acquire an “energy efficient” rating, which they have achieved at the cost of settings which don’t finish the job. Like an energy efficient car which gets you halfway to your destination.
So if you own one of these dryers, you might as well cut to the chase: imagine you’re drying the heaviest, soggiest cotton and set it straight to Cottons/Cupboard Extra Dry. It will take forever, but it will do the job.
*the first appearance of “Vorsprung durch Technik” voiced by Geoffrey Palmer in those Audi adverts
Ramblings 
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