“(and at Christmas you tell the truth)” says the creepy guy with the cards in Love Actually. No you bloody don’t, not unless you want to break your family into smithereens. Just smile and say “It’s lovely, you shouldn’t have!”
But, dammit, it’s time someone told the truth about those Christmas songs. And updated them, where necessary.
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Happy Xmas (War is Over) – John Lennon and Yoko Ono et al
War isn’t over, of course. Nowhere near in 2023. But I think John and Yoko knew that; also that it probably never will be, at least not in a good way. But my issue is with these lines:
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight
Well I know they meant well. And “for black and for white” is not an issue. But these days the next line is dodgy: may I suggest:
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For Asian and Native American people
Let's stop all the fight
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Merry Christmas Everyone – Shakin’ Stevens
Snow is falling
All around me
Well it will be, Shaky, unless you’re standing at the back door, or right at the edge of a snowstorm .
It's the season
Love and understanding
Hmm. Should we really confine love and understanding to a few weeks each year?
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The Christmas Song – Nat King Cole
And folks dressed up like Eskimos
You can’t say Eskimos any more, Nat. It’s an exonym which many Inuit, Yupik, Aleut, and others consider unacceptable. You should have specified which indigenous people you’re talking about.
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety-two
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Merry Christmas to you
Shocking ageism. Six month old baby? Get lost. Ninety-six? Screw you, grandad. And you left out David Attenborough.
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Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree – Brenda Lee
Rockin' around the Christmas tree
At the Christmas party hop
British or younger readers might be unaware that a hop was an informal dance event for teenagers in mid-20th-century North America, featuring popular music. It was originally called a sock hop because it was often held in a school gymnasium, where the kids were required to remove their shoes to protect the varnished floor.
So those lucky 1950s American kids might have been able to do their rockin’ around the Christmas tree. Not so easy, though, for the residents of a typical family home, where space and the TV sight-lines dictate that the tree goes against the wall or in a corner. So how about “Rockin’ beside the Christmas tree”?
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All I Want for Christmas is You – Mariah Carey
Mariah! A partner is for life, not just for Christmas.
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Merry Xmas Everybody – Slade
My all time favourite Christmas song. It’s unknown in the USA, but Noddy isn’t worried: he has described the song, once estimated to earn £500,000 a year in royalties, as his pension fund. The irresistible energy and joie de vivre give it a timeless quality. Except for this bit:
Does your granny always tell you
That the old songs are the best?
Then she's up and rock-'n'-rolling with the rest
Even when the song came out in 1973, rock-‘n’-roll (fl. 1955-59) was somewhat passé: it already was the old songs. If your granny was a teenager in that golden age, she was born in the early 1940s, and is now over 80. Let’s hope she’s still up to a bit of rock-‘n’-rolling, whether or not she can persuade the rest to join in.
So she's up and rock-'n'-rolling with the rest
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Fairytale of New York – The Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl
You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap, lousy faggot
Sorry guys, some people might have been amused by that in 1987, but in 2023 it’s a straight red. So how about
You scumbag, you maggot
Who might happen to be gay or bisexual or queer in some other way
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Lonely This Christmas – Mud
…and the only things I see
Are emptiness and loneliness
And an unlit Christmas tree
Well Les, we can fix one of those things:
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I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday – Wizzard
Do you really, Roy? What would that do to your family, your figure, your liver, the weather? The White Witch’s Narnia with a further nightmarish twist: always winter, and always Christmas. Might I suggest a tweak, “Thank God It’s Only Christmas Once a Year”?
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R.I.P. Shane MacGowan 1957-2023
Ramblings 
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