Ramblings

I was sceptical when Rob came home with Raw Power by Iggy and The Stooges in 1973, suspecting he only bought it because Bowie was involved – I had recently (wrongly) been unimpressed by Lou Reed’s Transformer. But my doubts dissolved as soon as the first frantic lines of Search and Destroy leapt out of the groove. Here was a successor to Little Richard, someone who didn’t just perform rock and roll, he lived it.

I had seen Iggy and assorted Stooges at the Town and Country Club in Kentish Town some time in the 1980s: Iggy seemed bored and unengaged, the playing was loose and low energy, and they didn’t play the tracks I regarded as classics. But more recent YouTube videos showed him reconnecting with his best songs, backed with tight, aggressive playing. I needed to catch up, so when a one-off UK gig in Crystal Palace Park was announced I invited my cousin and his wife down for the occasion and snapped up three tickets.

Wanting only the best for my guests, and encouraged by the closer view of The Rolling Stones I had enjoyed in Hyde Park last summer by paying extra, I forked out extra for the VIP package.

Look at me and my Ticketmaster app. (Actually that’s not me, it’s Sir Igglesworth Stanley Poplington). I didn’t want the bloody app, but there’s no other way to get in. Those leeches sucking the blood out of fans and musicians insist you do it their way or not at all. They offer you each music event like it’s their gift, when actually they’re holding it hostage.

Anyway, let’s see how VIPs like me are treated. We planned to arrive mid-afternoon, so we could see Stiff Little Fingers, Generation Sex (a mash-up of Generation X and the Sex Pistols, fronted by Billy Idol), Blondie and of course, Iggy. That would give us over six hours in the park, so we had to plan carefully. I was happy to take my chances with festival food. But Jonathan is coeliac, and was not confident he could find a suitable gluten free meal at the gig, so would need to take his own food.

We checked what we can and can’t take according to the Festival Republic website:

CAN I BRING A CHAIR?

“And now I wanna bring a chair”, as Iggy very nearly sang. Not surprising that his fans need the odd sit-down every now and then, especially in view of the dissolute lives we’ve lived. So we were encouraged by the answer to this question:

One folding chair or shooting stick or picnic blanket is permitted on site per person. They can only be set up within the designated area on site. For safety reasons, and to ensure the comfort of those attending the event, the management reserves the right to reduce the overall footprint of your chosen seating area.

All very sensible, although it’s not clear why a group would bring more than one per person – to hire them out, perhaps? Anyway, what about food?

CAN I BRING FOOD?

Food for personal consumption is permitted into the arena. There will be a variety of food traders and bars onsite selling a range of cuisines and alcoholic drinks including wines, spirits, cider, craft ales and lager, as well as non-alcoholic drinks.

Excellent, so far so good. But what if it rains?

CAN I BRING AN UMBRELLA?

Golf umbrellas are not permitted in the arena. Please bring appropriate wet-weather clothing or a folding umbrella.

Can’t argue with that. We don’t want to be stuck behind some idiot with a huge golf brolly. This is all going so well.

CAN I BRING A BAG?

Ah, maybe I asked one question too many.

This is big bag free event. If you need to bring a bag, it must be smaller than A4 sized. To make your entry to the site as seamless as possible, we recommend that you don’t bring a bag. However, you can bring a small bag up to 21cm x 30cm x 8cm in size if necessary. No suitcases or large bags will be permitted.

Damn, the only small bag I have is a vintage one, by no means A4 sized but Foolscap. You won’t need me to tell you that comes in at 20.3cm x 33cm – fine on the width but 10% over on the length. Curse these newfangled paper sizes.

But I am already hatching a plan. I will take a folding canvas drawstring bag packed full of water bottles, food and other requisites. When I approach security I will whisk them all out of the bag and juggle them through security, to distract attention from the illegal oversized canvas bag I am smuggling in, folded inside the pocket of my jacket. One I am out of sight of security, I will replace said items in the bag. Voilà!

But then I read on.

The following are considered dangerous and are not permitted. Our security team reserve the right to confiscate prohibited items, including:

There follows a long list which includes some perfectly sensible exclusions such as blowtorches (damn!), fireworks, flares, nitrous oxide, smoke bombs, spray cans and weapons.

Some other items banned from entry for good reasons – although you might not have considered them dangerous – include professional audio equipment, balloons, bicycles, gazebos and parasols.

The list continues into more questionable territory:

• Alcohol – so the alcohol they sell you at inflated prices is safe, while the stuff you bring in is dangerous?
• Bags and containers larger than 21cm x 30cm x 8cm – yes, you said
• Cans – especially cans containing that dangerous alcohol stuff
• Drinks (Empty plastic bottles up to 500ml in size are permitted) – well I guess we’re in airport security mode here, but it’s stretching a point to describe a bottle of water (or empty 1 litre plastic bottles) as dangerous
• Food (unless required due to a pre-existing condition which is supported with medical evidence and in accordance with bag policy.) – wow. I thought you said food for personal consumption could be brought into the arena? But now food is dangerous? There’s a school of thought that not having it can be quite serious too, you know.
• Liquids, gels or lotions (over 100ml) – more airport rules. Hey man, where’d you get that lotion?
• Picnic blankets – you need a lively imagination to think these are dangerous. Seriously, what do they think is going to happen?
• Drinks – (yes, again) – alcohol has been covered above, as have liquids over 100ml, so I presume we are talking about tiny quantities of water, soft drinks, juices, tea, coffee etc? I guess they’re worried about a punk era rain of minuscule filled bottles descending upon our ageing heroes.

Note that picnic blankets are simultaneously allowed and banned. Should we bring one, knowing that it may well be confiscated?

More importantly we have one rule saying food for personal consumption is allowed into the arena and another rule saying food is not allowed in “unless required due to a pre-existing condition which is supported with medical evidence”. Absurdly, I had to ask Jonathan, as a coeliac, to bring a “to whom it may concern” doctor’s note stating that he needed food that he could eat.

When we got inside the venue, we noticed many people had rucksacks and other bags much larger than the “permitted” size. The rules – even the ones which weren’t contradicted by other rules – weren’t being enforced, which made us feel like chumps for bothering to observe them.

One fellow had bought a set of large Indian Clubs, and was taking up way more than his share of venue space juggling them, next to a hopeful hat on the ground. Fair play to him, I guess, for spotting something he could bring in that Festival Republic hadn’t thought of banning. Presumably he didn’t try bringing them in a bag.

I do get that security is important at these events. But could I ask Festival Republic, please, that in future you set out the rules on what can and cannot be taken into the venue in a way that is simple, sensible, clear and consistent? The chaotic and contradictory way they were set out made this a very stressful gig to prepare for. It’s not difficult guys, make an effort, don’t just copy and paste them from airport security. And could you then apply the rules evenly?

So, what about the VIP Package which so many of us had paid extra for – was it worth the money?

• Anyone thinking it might get you closer to the stage would have been disappointed. There was no “gold circle” exclusive area – you had to push your way through with the hoi polloi.
• The exclusive “VIP” bar seemed no better or worse than any other festival bar I’ve queued at.
• You couldn’t see the stage from the “VIP Village” – any time you spent there, you were missing one of the acts. It seems to have been modelled on the “chill zone” at three or four day festivals. You don’t need it when you’re only there for a few hours.
• There was a very limited food offering in the “VIP Village”, so you had to go to the main area anyway to get a decent choice.
• I didn’t feel Very Important getting lukewarm drinking water from the water station.
• And no, I didn’t feel Very Important while I was queuing for over ten minutes for the loos. It’s not rocket science, get dedicated urinal areas! That will take about 80% of men out of the queues for cubicles, and, um, slash queuing times for both men and women. It might even boost your drinks sales…

So no, I’m not feeling like a pampered VIP any more. Fuck this for a game of soldiers. I’m off to the Royal Opera House, where they know how to treat a gentleman.

***************

By the way, you might be wondering about the gig itself. Iggy performed with an energy and intensity belying his 76 years. An amazing sight, if you could, um, stomach his stomach. Debbie Harry was in superb form, belting out hit after hit, sassy as ever and having a great time on her birthday. Even Billy Idol managed not to be annoying, doing respectful vocal duties on the Sex Pistols’ hits with verve and attitude.

The musicianship was outstanding throughout – Iggy even boasted a funky horn section. The sound was excellent, the schedule ran like clockwork, and I didn’t see a hint of trouble. In short, a complete betrayal of punk, nothing like 1977 at all.

***************

Post script. Ah, since I wrote this it seems Festival Republic have had a small attack of common sense. The eccentric rule requiring proof of a medical condition if you want to bring food, and the banishing of picnic blankets have both been rescinded. Well, it’s a start.